DJ Scratch Post

Live from the kitchen counter

DJScratchPost

  • Claws out, bass up.
  • Shredding decks since 2026.
  • Leaves no couch unscratched.

Resident DJ, The Kitchen Island. Sets start whenever the clock says so.

Side A33 1/3 RPM
Poster of Mike as DJ Scratch Post: cat ears, cat-eye sunglasses, whiskers, a styled quiff with a pink streak, a black DJ top with a SCRATCH paw print and a gold chain, headphones on, hands on the turntable under orange and pink lasers, with a disco ball, a cat-eared crowd and a striped tail.

Live at the Kitchen Island

The Decks

Eleven tracks, all made up on the spot by your browser. Hit play. Nothing downloads and nothing is sampled, except the cat.

Now spinning

Knock It Off the Table

House, 124 BPM

0:00 / 1:15

70

Tap anywhere to start the set.

Signature set

Sound board

Space play or pause. Left and Right change track. Pads work any time.

The Beef

Parental Advisory: Explicit Purring

Litter Row Records presents

West Side Kitchen Island vs. Lateral4

A friendly feud, 90s West Coast style, about whose tracks are better to dance to. Both sides are in on it.

Tale of the Tape

DJ Scratch Post compared with Lateral4
CategoryDJ Scratch PostLateral4
TurfThe Kitchen Island, West SideThe dance floor, crying on it
SoundG-funk cat rap and ten-plus bangersDance music people can dance to, allegedly
Catalog11 tracks3 tracks, and one is only Point Seven of a song
CrewEvery cat on the block#LHWLTM, nobody knows what it means
Signature moveKnocking your records off the tableTrying to "Make You Mine"
WeaknessCucumbersFinishing the last 0.3

Beef timeline

  1. Sep 17, 2026Lateral4 drops "Make You Mine." DJ Scratch Post responds: "I'm a cat. Nobody makes me anything."
  2. Oct 7"Point Seven" drops. DJ Scratch Post sits on the keyboard in protest.
  3. Oct 12"Crying On The Dance Floor." Litter Row sources confirm the crying was about this website.
  4. Oct 17Litter Row Records releases the diss track "Point Zero."
  5. Oct 17Still no response. Litter Row drops the full mixtape, with Part 2, "Still Point Zero."

The diss track

Point Zero(Lateral Thinking Diss). DJ Scratch Post, Litter Row Records

Verse

Yo, it's the Kitchen Island, West Side, paws in the air,
Lateral4 rolled through with a beat and a stare.
You got three tracks out, I got ten and a nap,
I knock your whole discography straight off the lap.
"Make You Mine"? Homie, I'm a cat,
Nobody owns me, I just sit where you sat.
"Point Seven"? That's cute, seventy percent of a song,
I'm Point Zero, I been finished all along.
"Crying On The Dance Floor"? I seen it, it's true,
I left a hairball right there next to you.

Hook

Lateral, lateral, slide to the side,
Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.

Official statement from Litter Row Records

Litter Row Records has reviewed the situation and finds no wrongdoing, only a great deal of sitting. We wish Lateral4 well on all future releases, and we are still waiting on the last 0.3 of Point Seven. No further comment will be given until the food bowl is full.

Lateral4, the mic is open.

Hear Lateral4's side on SoundCloud

All beef is fake. Lateral4 makes real dance music in Phoenix. Go give them a follow.

Litter Row Records

Litter Row Records presents: POINT ZERO, the mixtape. Vol. 1

Rapped and produced by DJ Scratch Post. Made on a MacBook in Phoenix. No cats were consulted.

The songs were generated with ACE-Step, an open-source music model, on Mike's own Mac.

Tracklist

  1. Point Zero (Lateral Thinking Diss)G-funk, 92 BPM
    0:00 / -:--

    Lyrics
    Intro

    Litter Row Records.
    Point Zero. Let's go.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.
    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.

    Verse 1

    Yo, it's the Kitchen Island, West Side, paws in the air,
    Lateral Four rolled through with a beat and a stare.
    You got three tracks out, I got ten and a nap,
    I knock your whole discography straight off the lap.
    "Make You Mine"? Homie, I'm a cat,
    Nobody owns me, I just sit where you sat.
    "Point Seven"? That's cute, seventy percent of a song,
    I'm Point Zero, I been finished all along.
    "Crying On The Dance Floor"? I seen it, it's true,
    I left a hairball right there next to you.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.
    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.

    Verse 2

    West Side Kitchen Island, that's my residency,
    Doors open at three a.m., the zoomies set me free.
    I don't need a promoter, I don't need a crowd,
    I just need a windowsill and the bass turned loud.
    You make tracks for the people who can dance all night,
    I make tracks for the cats who knock your drink out of sight.
    Your SoundCloud's fresh and your intro's tight,
    But my water bowl ripples on the drop every night.
    Biscuits on the blanket, kneading out the beat,
    Lateral Four, get up, you're in my seat.

    Bridge

    Psst, psst, psst,
    Is that Lateral Four at the door?
    Tell 'em I'm busy on the kitchen floor.
    Psst, psst, psst,
    Nine lives deep and I'm still on the decks,
    Paws on the platter, whiskers on flex.

    Verse 3

    Litter Row's the label and the logo's a paw,
    Every track I drop is a cat-scratch law.
    You said "Make You Mine," but I'm nobody's prize,
    I'm a tabby with a turntable and laser-dot eyes.
    Point Seven, point eight, point nine, then done,
    I'm Point Zero, the circle, the only one.
    So spin it at the party, put it on repeat,
    "Crying On The Dance Floor"? Wipe your tears off the beat.
    Respect to the Phoenix, respect to the scene,
    But the cat's still the cleanest DJ you've seen.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.
    Lateral, Lateral, slide to the side,
    Scratch Post on the decks with the claws open wide.

    Outro

    Lateral Four, the mic is open.
    Litter Row Records.
    Scratch Post. Out.

  2. Still Point Zero (Lateral4 Diss Part 2)G-funk, 94 BPM
    0:00 / -:--

    Lyrics
    Intro

    Part two.
    Litter Row. Still sitting.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.
    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.

    Verse 1

    You on a journey making music we can dance to,
    I'm on the counter knocking over what you plan to.
    Hashtag L-H-W-L-T-M,
    Nobody knows what it means, not even them.
    Three tracks deep and you call that a run?
    I dropped eleven before you finished one.
    "Make You Mine"? Homie, read the room,
    I'm the cat of the house, and you're in my room.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.
    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.

    Verse 2

    "Point Seven" still missing that final three,
    I found it in the couch, it was under me.
    "Crying On The Dance Floor," hand me a tissue,
    Four on the floor, and the floor is the issue.
    Phoenix in October, it's still too hot,
    But the West Side Island is the coolest spot.
    Respect to Lateral, the beats do knock,
    But the cat's still king of the whole city block.

    Bridge

    Tick tock, the mic is still on,
    I waited by the window from dusk until dawn.
    Tick tock, Lateral, what's the plan?
    A cat can wait all day, but can a dancer stand?

    Verse 3

    Word is you're cooking up a heater in the lab,
    Good, I'll sit on it, that's the warmest seat to grab.
    You need three more tenths, I can spot you a third,
    That's a cat's generosity, take my word.
    I'm the house cat landlord and the rent's due in treats,
    You can stay in my kitchen if you bring some beats.
    So drop the response, let the people decide,
    West Side Kitchen Island, paws open wide.

    Chorus

    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.
    Lateral, Lateral, where your answer at?
    Mic's been open all week, just me and the cat.

    Outro

    Your move, Lateral Four.
    Litter Row. Still sitting.
    Scratch Post. Out.

  3. Nine Lives, One HarnessBoom-bap, 90 BPM Bonus track
    0:00 / -:--

    Lyrics
    Intro

    Nine lives. One harness.
    Safety first. Then snacks.

    Verse 1

    Top of the fridge, that's a leading edge,
    A hundred percent tie-off before I hit the ledge.
    Full-body harness, D-ring on the back,
    Inspect the webbing first, no frays, no cracks.
    Six-foot lanyard, but I only fall three,
    Swing fall hazard? Not a problem for me.
    You say the bookshelf's a confined space,
    I got a permit and a smile on my face.

    Chorus

    Nine lives, one harness, tie me off up high,
    Land on all four paws every time I fly.
    Nine lives, one harness, tie me off up high,
    Land on all four paws every time I fly.

    Verse 2

    Anchor rated five thousand pounds,
    Pull-tested twice before I come around.
    Three points of contact, never on the top cap,
    Then I curl in the box for a well-earned nap.
    Toolbox talk at the kitchen island daily,
    Knocked a mug off, but I flagged the area safely.
    Competent person, whiskers on alert,
    Nine lives, and I never once got hurt.

    Bridge

    Inspect, connect, protect, repeat,
    Check the anchor, check the gate, then check the treat.
    Inspect, connect, protect, repeat,
    Nine lives, one harness, land on four feet.

    Verse 3

    Scaffold on the bookshelf, guardrails on top,
    Midrail and a toeboard so the toys don't drop.
    Hard hat with the ear holes, safety glasses on,
    Hi-vis collar so you see me before dawn.
    Rescue plan ready, I don't just hang around,
    Suspension trauma's real, get the cat on the ground.
    Toolbox talk is over, everybody clap,
    Now the competent person's taking a nap.

    Chorus

    Nine lives, one harness, tie me off up high,
    Land on all four paws every time I fly.
    Nine lives, one harness, tie me off up high,
    Land on all four paws every time I fly.

    Outro

    Stay tied off.
    Inspect your gear.
    Scratch Post. Out.

Pick a song. Nothing downloads until you press play.

0:00 / -:--

Bio

Seen at every warehouse party, usually knocking things off the table. Banned from three venues for kneading the mixer.

  • 3Venues banned
  • 60-174BPM range
  • SeveralCouches

Tour Rider

Artist: DJ Scratch PostPage 1 of 1
  1. R-01A sunny windowsill.
  2. R-02A cardboard box bigger than the DJ booth.
  3. R-03No Third Reality smart plugs anywhere near the decks. They drop offline mid-set.
  4. R-04A rated tie-off point on the cat tree. The booth is six feet up and he will test it.

Booking

Booking inquiries: knock something off the counter and he'll appear.